Digital violence in current and former relationships

Location tracking and control

Geolocation, also known as location tracking, is one of the most common forms of digital relationship violence. Perpetrators use a range of technologies (devices, accounts, trackers) to covertly follow the whereabouts and activities of those affected, usually without any technical complexity at all. Many of these tools are part of everyday life and therefore go unnoticed for a long time.

The situation is especially difficult after a separation: the surveillance can continue, and it is often unclear through which devices or accounts control is still being exercised. If a woman flees to a women’s shelter, its location can become known as a result. This endangers not only her but all the residents and their children.

Connected accounts (cloud, apps)

Often it is not complex surveillance technologies that are used. Frequently, everyday access is enough: shared passwords, joint accounts, shared devices, or family apps such as “Find My” or Google Family Link. Precisely because these tools seem harmless and were often set up during the relationship, the surveillance goes undetected for a long time.

Social media

Whether through hidden location data in photos, live location sharing, or recognizable backgrounds in stories: social media reveals more about a person’s whereabouts than many people realize. Children are affected too – through public profiles or photos with recognizable location clues, perpetrators can determine their whereabouts.

Tracker

Whether a GPS tracker in the car, in luggage, or disguised as an object, small Bluetooth trackers such as AirTags in a bag, or location apps on the phone: physical trackers make it possible to follow a person’s whereabouts covertly and in real time. Children are affected too – an inconspicuously placed tracker in a backpack or on clothing is enough for perpetrators to trace their movements without gaps.

Stalkerware

Stalkerware (also called spyware or spouseware) is software that is secretly installed on another person’s device. It provides access to messages, calls, emails, photos, and location, and in some cases to the camera and microphone as well. It usually does not appear in the app menu and thus remains invisible. To install the software, the perpetrator needs only access to the device’s passcode and about 30 minutes of time.

Smart-Home-Geräte

Smart speakers, robot vacuums, smart door locks, or baby monitors: the range of applications is broad, and the risk of misuse is high. Such devices can be used to monitor, control, and pressure someone, especially in the context of (ex-)relationship violence. The misuse is often hard to detect because the devices are used daily. Protection comes above all from control over accounts and apps – though in contexts of violence the rule is: seek support first.

Effects on those affected

The consequences are real and often severe for those affected, including:

• anxiety and sleep disorders
• depression
• chronic exhaustion
• panic attacks and extreme stress
• social withdrawal

Many of those affected live in constant tension and cannot switch off. Even so, there is often a lack of understanding for the actual threat and burden. Not infrequently there is also a reversal of victim and perpetrator, in which the person affected is assigned part of the blame. Statements such as “Why did you put that photo online?” or “Why did you share your password?” are widespread. Yet the rule is: the blame always lies with the perpetrator, never with the victim.

A flood of messages and calls

Calls, messages, and attempts at contact through ever-new channels are among the most common forms of digital relationship violence. They serve to intimidate, control, or continuously pressure those affected. Such behavior can be curbed with targeted measures.

Typically, the attempts at contact do not stop, or continue through ever-new numbers and profiles, even when the affected person does not respond. Often apologies, accusations, and threats alternate. The key message for those affected is: the harassment is not their fault, and they are under no obligation to respond – including via social media comments, mentions, and direct messages.

Effects on those affected

The flood of messages and calls is enormously stressful for those affected: the constant stream of contact attempts creates tension, fear, and the feeling of never truly finding peace. It becomes especially difficult when a complete withdrawal is not possible. Those who share children with the perpetrator often have to remain reachable – for example to arrange care or handovers – and cannot simply change their number or accounts without losing important connections to school, doctors, or their social circle. It is precisely this forced availability that perpetrators deliberately exploit.

In current and former relationships

Digital violence in relationships also takes the form of degrading, insulting, or hateful messages: via chats, comments, voice messages, or social media. Unlike with anonymous hate speech, the perpetrator knows the other person well and knows which words hurt the most: targeted disparagement of appearance, personality, or role as a parent; repeated insults; or public humiliation in front of shared contacts. Often the line between insult, threat, and manipulation becomes blurred.

Effects on those affected

Such attacks aim to systematically undermine the affected person’s self-esteem and to isolate them. What is especially distressing is that the words come from a person they once trusted, and that they often continue even after a separation.

The situation in current and former relationships

This form of violence refers to the non-consensual creation, distribution, or manipulation of intimate or sexualized images and videos. It affects both real recordings – for example images made secretly or once created consensually – and artificially generated depictions such as deepfakes, in which a person’s face is convincingly montaged into sexualized material. With freely available AI tools, such fakes can now be created quickly and without any technical expertise. What all variants have in common is that the recordings are used without the consent of the person depicted and that they spread rapidly online and are difficult to remove.

Effects on those affected

Image-based sexual abuse has severe and often long-lasting consequences for those affected: anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress, accompanied by deep shame and self-reproach. Because images that have once been distributed can resurface at any time, the threat remains permanently present, as does the feeling of having lost control over one’s own body and one’s own image. Added to this are social withdrawal, reputational damage, and career disadvantages up to and including job loss – in especially severe cases, up to suicidal thoughts.

New avenues of financial control

As digital technologies have become more widespread, financial violence has also taken on new forms. It enables the perpetrator to monitor and steer the affected person’s finances in previously unknown and often covert ways.

Through stalkerware or jointly used financial and banking apps, spending can be tracked and access to accounts restricted – with the aim of pushing the affected person into financial dependency.

Online access opens up further possibilities for abuse. A common one is control over social benefits and digital payments: funds are redirected in order to control the affected person financially.

Effects on those affected

For those affected, this creates an economic dependency that makes leaving the relationship very difficult: without their own income, or with accumulated debt, they often lack the means for their own apartment or for legal action. This dependency is deliberately used to exert control, accompanied by shame, stress, and the feeling of losing control over one’s own life.